Is modern day “self-help” actually ruining your life?
Just last month, Emma Goldberg, of The New York Times, published an article titled “Is Today’s Self-Help Teaching Everyone to Be Jerks?” In it, she explored the very real possibility that the recent wave of self-help books aimed at helping people protect their peace may actually have a harmful impact on our personalities and relationships. Goldberg posited that in an effort to “protect your peace” and “cut out all toxicity,” people are becoming less generous, patient, and kind individuals. Essentially, modern-day self-help tells people to go inward, focus on themselves, and ignore everything else.
“Rarely, if ever, are any of us healed in isolation. Healing is an act of communion.”
―bell hooks, All About Love: New Visions
The MAJOR problem with this lesson in self-improvement is that it ignores the fact that humans are social creatures. Our wellbeing is totally dependent on our ability to form meaningful connections with others. In adolescence, feeling a sense of belonging is neurologically equivalent to survival, and while this feeling decreases in intensity with age, our need to connect never leaves us.
Research tells us that before even leaving the womb, we seek connection. The need for acceptance, belonging, and love are universal and lifelong. Our very first opportunity for connection, with a primary caregiver, is so important that it will shape our ability to form every other kind of relationship we have throughout our life. There is a large amount of anxiety amongst parents, caregivers, educators, and healthcare workers regarding the negative consequences of technology on children and teens. The apparent isolation effect is worrying (check out The Anxious Generation), yet in adulthood this sentiment is discarded in exchange for an inward, individual focus.
Many components of modern day self-help are actually helpful, however, when followed in totality the result is often isolation and withdrawal into the self. If we are to truly heal, we must do so with a focus on both the individual and the community. Putting your own face mask on AND THEN helping others with theirs.
So what are you supposed to do?
Seek support. A life coach or therapist can help you navigate the nuance and complexity of relationships, whether work, friend, familial or romantic, by being an unbiased soundboard.
Invest in your relationships that do feel meaningful. When there is rupture in a relationship, remind yourself that conflict is not only normal but can lead to increased intimacy and connection when handled with care.
Practice boundary setting. Not everyone who wrongs you should be cut out of your life. Using firm and kind boundaries creates a space where connection can flourish.
Be an active part of your community. Whether that’s helping organize a neighborhood block party or volunteering in the community garden, when we invest in our communities we feel an increased sense of safety. Engagement in something bigger than yourself is necessary for personal healing.
